Friday, June 6, 2014

Ridiculous marketing pitches

Thought I'd compile the list of the most ridiculous bike gear marketing pitches I could find online while catching up on "Alcatraz" on Hulu.

1.  $17K+ for a bike.  And don't give me that "but you can rebuild Campy components" BS.

2.  A wheel that "literally climbs on its own."  Maybe HED wants us to take its promotional literature figuratively.

3.  "For every rider, every discipline, and every ability level, aero wheels make a difference."   Seems to me the difference the wheels are making (photo below) is not one Zipp wants to be talking about!

4.  "Defense-grade carbon" if you buy a top-end Trek.  Because the US defense industry is the leader in bike frame materials design?

5.  "The shoes are the first to use Yak leather . . . ," and you can have them for a mere $450.  Or maybe the price is justified by the reflective Rapha logo or "timeless Rapha styling."

6.  Could make the whole list just from the Rapha website.  Because these gloves from African Hair Sheep Leather run a modest $195.  Funniest part is the website has the following pic. of a model blowing his nose into the palm of his $195 gloves.

7.  The Wilier Cento1 Air is made with 60t carbon fiber, meaning "it can withstand 60 tons of pressure per square millimeter."  There may be 500,000 square millimeters in this frame -- that's 30 million tons of pressure!  (Or does the calculation not work that way?)

8.  This Litespeed aero frame set "reduces average aero wattage by almost 30 watts."  That's good enough to make 8 mph without even pedaling!  (Maybe that's how the Hed Stinger 3s "literally climb on [their] own.")

9.  Mavic's 125th anniversary limited edition pack.  You too can have (1) helmet, (2) gloves, (3) shoes, (4) pedals, and (5) kit, to match your limited edition Ksyriums.

10.  Campagnolo's quick release lever "has been designed for maximum aerodynamic penetration."

11.  This bad boy was "designed specifically for the city of Berlin."  I assume they mean Berlin, Pennsylvania?

12.  This company, named for the shop dog, created my own first-choice ride.  But why name the company after the shop dog?  "[A] lot of the things we wanted out of the bikes are what we already got from our friend Gunnar.  Reliability.  Discipline. Speed.  Strength.  Friendliness.  Simplicity."

13.  Bespoke.  No, nothing specific in mind, but any marketing slogan using the word is stupid.


sam said...

As an aside, what to make of the De Rosa sizing? 61.1? Does the .1 really make a difference?

Max said...

Dude, at 17K, you are entitled to that kind of specificity.

Unknown said...

This post made my morning.

As for Zipp Dude, I think he'd be quite a bit faster without that stalagmite helmet position.

...and triathletes wonder why they're ridiculed by all and sundry. I guess I have no proof that he's a triathlete, but come on.